Friday, September 18, 2009

Not Necessary

It just doesn't matter anymore. This life I'm carrying. The man that helped me make this mess

doesn't want a relationship; even though I thought we were getting married. So that's why I

gotta dip down to the clinic, you know take the scenic- route so I won't think about having any

doubts about what I'm gonna do. Mama gotta live too. Changing diapers and tying little shoes

just ain't my thang. But that thang it's what’s got me going here in the first place. Thinking about

that little face. Will he or she look like me or their raggedy ass daddy? Nope not gonna think

about it. I'm tired of being sick. Already throwing up, it's not even been 4 months yet. I wonder

what my momma would say. She had me anyway and look how I turned out, don't want another

mouth- to feed taking care of others needs. I got just enough for me. No more talk about that, I

don't feel like getting fat I'm trying to maintain my figure. Doing all of this just for some “ninja.”

I don't have time for late night feedings, and rocking this child to sleep I'm not down for that

either, every day of the week. But I do remember the times my mother held me and told me it

would be ok, I would enjoy those hugs and kisses then go right back outside and play. Did I feel a

flutter? I didn't feel nothing, that's just my imagination. I can't imagine making room for a

changing station. I need time for myself Im still young. I won’t have time to have fun. Do I want

a daughter or a son? I gotta go to work, gotta go to school. When am I gonna have time to do

what I wanna do when I got you? Naw'll unh-uh it ain't gone be me walking around talking

about my baby daddy. I gotta get this done. I hate to go that route it will be my 3rd one. I don't

know what to say I can't picture me walking around with a baby. Preventing me from dating and

having a good time. Just to sit at home and listen to them whine. Not just ain't gone work

. Walking around here gotta miss work for dr's appointments and taking pre-natal vitamins. Not

getting hit on by so many fine men, because of the shape I’m in…naw'll uh-uh it ain't gone be

me...I’m not pushing a stroller up the street. Worrying about loose teeth, making sure their little

hair and clothes are neat....maybe one day when I'm sure. I’ll be more mature and will be able to

endure the pain of labor and be more stable and in a better relationship with a better man-who

will do all they can for us and so that we'll have enough, so our life wont be as rough. I know I

need to be tough. I just can't right now. I don't know how. I can't do it you see, I can't have a


Not right now it just ain't necessary.