Thinking things through

Hey ya'll, I know that's it's been a while, I just needed to talk. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband but it hurts to know that things can always go the way we want them too. I have been contemplating some mean vindictive shit over the last few weeks...but what will that accomplish. Nothing...what will that solve? Nothing....how will that make me feel?....Temporarily relieved.....but still hurting. I think that I have allowed myself to believe that things will get better and I am praying so hard....I don't wanna leave him. Sometimes I hear other women say...."Sometimes in order to prove a point, you hafta leave." But again for what? People complain all of the time about their spouses and yet they still stay together but the swear up and down that if it were them how they would be out in the street doing whatever with whoever. I don't have time for that. I married my husband for better or for worse. Its just not a happy time right now for either one of us. I just wish my husband can see himself the way I do. He knows that I find him hella sexy and he tells me that he sees me the same way. I expect so much out of him than he is willing to give. I feel like I have made sacrifice after sacrifice to make it work and he just says "Well ya married me and this is how I was before you met me so now what just deal with it." It's not about how you were but it's now about is this how YOU want to be. We can all be better than what we used to be. Right!? I just want things to work out. I know problems can't resolve themselves and we must face them head on and with our eyes open. I just wish we could look through each others eyes maybe walk in each other's shoes so that we can see what's really going on. I am going to try and talk it out. But how much talking and compromising can you do in a marriage without becoming bitter or resentful? We now have another person to consider and we both love him soooooo much. I hope we can talk it out like two mature adults and see where things go from there.

Marital Woes

Lemme just start off by saying, I am tired of being sick and tired. Ya digg? I just can't continue to put myself at the bottom anymore. The more I give, the more he takes. We have been married for a year and 7mths. We were in a relationship for 10 years before we got married. Why didn't I listen to myself and to phatmom? Why , why, why??? I need to get out now! I just can't take it anymore. Even after a new baby, yes...I need for ya'll to understand that just because you have a baby doesn't been you should sacrifice your sanity. I just don't know what else to do. Why do I always have to bend or be the one to say ok let's talk or try to work it out? Its only so much working out and working on you can do. I am so afraid of what people might say and what his family may say about me. I shouldn't stay where I'm not happy. Pray for me ya'll.

OH Hell Naw'll

Why Lawd? Some things you just hafta put into Gods hands. Ok so this weekend after giving my beautiful son a bath, the BM calls? What does BM stand for you ask....The Birthmother..."Oh no she didn't!" "Yes, she did!" She called in the middle of getting phatbaby dressed. He doesn't like the process, so he was protesting when she called. She ask, "What's wrong with him?" "I look at the phone like "Why?" Then I proceed to tell her, "Phatbaby just had a bath and I'm getting him dressed." "O." Was her response. Waymin, was she thinking otherwise...?? I dunno, but I sensed that. BM went on to tell me how they will be down here this weekend. Our first together...I am already peeved about that. I asked her how long they were going to be here....she states that she doesn't know but she was excited about coming, it's her first visit to NC. ~Screechhhhhhhhh~ Is she excited to see Phatbaby or excited about coming to NC? Phathubby is looking at me with question marks in his eyes. She sounded like she was "here and normal", remember she is bipolar so sometimes her converation can be a bit confusing. Read here:

Bipolar disorder
Definition
Bipolar disorder is characterized by periods of excitability (mania) alternating with periods of depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very abrupt.

Alternative Names

Manic depression; Bipolar affective disorder

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Bipolar disorder affects men and women equally and usually appears between the ages of 15 and 25. The exact cause is unknown, but it occurs more often in relatives of people with bipolar disorder.
Bipolar disorder results from disturbances in the areas of the brain that regulate mood. During manic periods, a person with bipolar disorder may be overly impulsive and energetic, with an exaggerated sense of self. The depressed phase brings overwhelming feelings of anxiety, low self-worth, and suicidal thoughts.
There are two primary types of bipolar disorder. People with bipolar disorder I have had at least one fully manic episode with periods of major depression. In the past, bipolar disorder I was called manic depression.
People with bipolar disorder II seldom experience full-fledged mania. Instead they experience periods of hypomania (elevated levels of energy and impulsiveness that are not as extreme as the symptoms of mania). These hypomanic periods alternate with episodes of major depression.
A mild form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia involves periods of hypomania and mild depression, with less-severe mood swings. People with bipolar disorder II or cyclothymia may be misdiagnosed as having depression alone.
Read More >

Please read more if you'd like, but that was enough for me. I had read about it before but still. The conversation continued with her randomness and so I asked her...Why I don't know., just curious I guess.

"BM, when Phatbaby gets older what would you like for him to call you?"

She says..."Momma."

Any advice would be welcomed...

Phatty's Phunny of the Day

What kind of Elephant ?

The five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked...

"What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics!

I Love It...

I loooooove being a mommy. I am a proud phatmom. I think that mommyhood has changed me. Of course it changes everyone, but still I think it has really helped me focus on what is really important when it comes to phatbaby. I had all of these ideas of what I was going to do and how I was going to do it. I wanted to use cloth diapers. ~Where is my buzzer??~ ***BUZZ*** That didn't happen. LOL I don't know. Those disposables, I just want to go ahead and apologize for my actions in the landfill. ~Lawd forgive me~ I now know that there was no way that I would be able to use cloth diapers while having to wash clothes at the laundry mat and going there every 2x's ever 3 weeks. I just couldn't do it. But ya'll, I am so in love. He is getting so big so fast. I need to walk around with my video camera in one hand and my digital camera in the other. I am so camera happy. Ok, I could go on and on about his little dimples, little toes, his unlimited kisses also known as shugah...man...but anywho...I think I told ya'll that I love to read, write, and some other things. Right now I have started to focus on becoming debt free (thanks to Single ma @ http://fabulousfinancials.com and to Dimps @ http://dimples44r.blogspot.com) For putting it on my mind. Reading your blogs helped me to realize that what I need to be doing. It's 2008, why do I still have stuff on my credit from 1974? Well, maybe not that long, but long enough to know that I need to correct it now and get my credit score up. If anyone has any advice, websites, or anything that I can use to do that please share. You know sharing is caring. But before I let you go I just hafta show you this....I do it all for him.....

My Dream Man

Remember when you were younger ladies ~ahem~ and some gentleman...when you fantasized about how you wanted your dream boyfriend and/or husband. Boy...I just knew I was gonna have the man with the most swagger and foine as heck. So foine I would be pregnant every year kind of foine. LOL So yeah..I'm married...Maybe I could sound a little more excited than that...."I's Married Now!" ~Color Purple Style~ I love my husband don't get me wrong. It's just that every now and then I wonder. What in the hell was I thinking. I know I am not the only one...come on now anybody? Hello-o-o-o-o, I see how ya'll do. Well I just wish that sometimes I can catch him looking like this....

That would really, really make my day. You know sometimes when we get ready to go to church or go to a CLASSY night on the town, I would like for him to do a lil of this........

Meet me in the bedroom looking like this...

Do me like a thug would do me......

You know, something... take the time to workout.. make himself look good and fit ya'll know what I mean like this.....

I mean you know what we say...we want him to look at us as if he could make us all melt...

Can I just get a

during the day and a

at night and on some weekends. Dayum, that's all a sistah needs....oh yeah he needs to be able to cook like..........

you know...some of those things would be reallllllllllll lovely...don't you agree?

PS. He can also be able to sing like Lil G-Silk, Charlie Wilson-Enuff Said, Be able to tell a few jokes to keep me laffin, and be a great help. Drive a nice car...paid for...780 credit score, and just be loveable and clean. LOL

Working for nothing....

I am so tired ya'll. I feel like I am working for nothing. Just come to work. Put my time in and go home. Everyday! I must let everyone know that I am ready for a change. I work in the customer service field and I am tired of it. I have been working in customer service since I was 19yrs old. I have worked for all of the big name companies doing customer service. IBM, BCBS, ZC Sterling...I mean I could go on..Bellsouth....I am so tired of saying.."Thank you for calling __________, how may I help you?" I don't know what in the world to do. I have a Bachelor of Science in Business Management and I have NEVER had a management position. I am ready people. ....LOL I also speak fluent french.. Oui, C'est Vrai! I feel like I have so much to offer and so many ideas. I know that I could work in a call center environment in a management position. NO team lead stuff...management. What can I do so that my resume shows that and not that I have just been on the phone the whole time? ~sigh~ I need for someone to give me a chance to showcase my skills. I get paid and it disappears. I know that we all know that we are not getting paid what we are worth. I don't even make 40k per year. I wanna be debt free. Look at Single ma at www.fabulousfinancials.com......I strive to be where she is. I want to be debt free but how can I work on that when I am paying bills from paycheck to paycheck? I just signed up with www.myfico.com, opened an INGdirect savings account and today I am calling a debt collector to see what I can do to get the balance down quick so I can raise my credit score. Any advice anyone? I am really at the end of my rope here....~OK I can breathe now.~ LOL

It is too soon...

For the birth mom to be coming for a visit. I just don't know about it. I have all of these jitters. I speak to the G-Ma from time to time. Send a few pics here and there. But all of that is fixnta--yep that's what I said--stop. I know that this is an open adoption, but how open is too much? I saw 20/20 the other night and this young lady was searching a couple to adopt her baby. She did and now she comes over when she gets ready and is in ALL of their family pics. Even her family goes over to the adoptive child's family to see him. Ain't no way. I think I would have had a written agreement drawn up or something. I just couldn't imagine her showing up all of the time. It would really start to aggravate me. I really do appreciate her and what she has done for me and Phatman....but she really needs to back up and give us some space. I guess it is just nerves, but I love him and I am so protective of him already, that I just couldn't imagine something happening to him because of her or them. I don't have time for all of that. They should be here on the 4Th of July. Talk about INDEPENDENCE.....~Geesh~

kid steals grandma's car

I Wish A Child I Knew Would......

I posted this video for a reason. What would you do if it were your child? I don't even have to say it. Let's just say I might have been the one being carried away in handcuffs. Listen to the way he is speaking. Do you think that the parent/s have been using discipline on this child on a regular? Let me know....