Thursday, April 17, 2008


I have always had a complex..I guess if you call it that. I have an issue with being accepted by others. I know, I know.."I don't give a damn or fuck about what people say about me."That's what others say, but you know what, I do. It is still have bad feelings towards people that used to tease me as a child and that talked about me behind my back. Shouldn't I be over that now as an adult? I was bullied and teased because of my weight. You know being a Phatgurl has never been easy. I still let these things bother me. The worst culprit of it all that hurt the most was and still is (sometimes) my mother. She has never liked the fact that I was overweight. My other sisters I have 2, were petite until, well one is still little as hell but the other gained weight after she had her children. But to her, I didn't have an excuse. I just loved to eat. When I was a little girl I was so skinny that my momma made me eat. I used to cry because I was such a picky eater. Well over the years I gained weight but not to the extent of being overweight...until I had my tonsils and adenoids (sp-is that right?) removed. Then the weight just piled on. I became the punchline to many jokes and I really had issues with my self esteem. I stayed to myself and read books and get on the computer and type in programs. (Commodore 64--whew that was a long time ago) But I also participated in church alot. The choir, I ushered you know typical church stuff. I love to sing and I have a pretty good voice if I must say so myself, but some of this teasing occurred in the church as well. I know "Kids will be kids." Cut the crap...Kids will be whoever their parents raise them to be or whatever they see their parents do and get away with, that's what they will do. It all starts at home people.-~My Phatabulous Service Announcement-~But anyhow, I have lost so many friends and my mother never told me I was beautiful until I got older but it still comes with conditions. "You look should put more of this on" "That color looks good but that ain't for everybody" Oh can't forget this one. "You should wear that all the time it really looks good on you." Phat: "Really Ma, Thank you" Her: "Yeah, cause you look small in that." See what I mean ya'll? My mother has thrown fits in stores because I could not wear the size that she wanted me too. She would find a phone--(payphone then) call my sister and have her take of the task of taking me shopping cause she just couldn't "deal with me." Needless to say, I find myself shopping sometimes and thinking.."what would mom think of me in this?" I have to stop myself and say: Hey I'm grown, I can wear what I want (you know what I mean) . Has this happened to you? Has someone ever caused you to look at yourself differently?